Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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