she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
