Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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