I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
