apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
