Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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