I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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