I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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