based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
