I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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