How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
