he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
