she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
