Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
