Your dad touched me again.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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