I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
