come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
