THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
