Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
