True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Randomize
