did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I feel great
I just peed on a car
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
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