Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
