Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
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I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
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You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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