I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
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