if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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