Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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