i permit you to call me
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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