i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
