Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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