I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
