Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
