dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
