So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
