my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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