Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
