Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Randomize
