i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
