maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Randomize
