I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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