You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
