I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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