Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.