you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
This is my gift to your gina
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
