So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
