i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
