just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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