just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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