i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Randomize
