He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
