Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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