Your dad touched me again.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Boobs are out for the taking
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
