Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
