So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
