it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
