Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
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He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
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She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
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