From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
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we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize