If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
