What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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