do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
