Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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